5 February 2014
Last week I spoke about enjoying the now, the importance of relationships, health, aging and positivity. I have been inundated with comments about the relationship piece and decided to bla bla blog today about their value and importance in our lives.
Having had the privilege of sitting across from people struggling with relationships for many years, I am without a doubt that we all seek harmony, understanding, love and CONNECTION. It derives from a primal craving located deep in our brain. Research shows men live longer and self report as happier in committed relationships. Women spend GINORMOUS amounts of energy, time and money trying to maintain connection. Relationships are about having your needs met and finding a way to meet the needs of another. They are meant to be passionate, fun, reassuring, safe and warm
However because we are all flawed and so wonderfully imperfect, we are clumsy, awkward, mute or inarticulate when it dealing with our primary relationships. We either don’t know what we want – no Reflection – OR are embarrassed, shy, or feel undeserving that we don’t ask for our needs to be met.
I listened to a TED talk by Dr Daniel Siegel (I love this guy!) about the state of education and how to revamp the system. He spoke of adding an additional 3 Rs to the curriculum; Reflection, Relationship and Resilience. Can you imagine how learning these skills and abilities would enhance our lives!! Sometimes the only Relationship advise we get is watching our parents navigate through their married lives. In some homes this can be a great education, but in others it can be very negative; fraught with yelling, name calling, caustic hurtful non verbal messages or looks that could kill. Worse even are hours or days of tension when everyone knows something is going very wrong, the children try to redirect or take the blame on themselves, or fake harmony. Resilience means hanging in there, finding the hutzpa not to give up and hold on while trying to figure it out. It requires effort and courage to spring back into shape, to have and to hold through sickness and in health………shall we add through disheartened fights, shattered illusions, disappointments, disillusionment, lonely nights and multiples changes, not to mention job loss, parental challenges etc etc etc (otherwise known as life) ……….what is the divorce rate now in the US?
I was asked to offer a recipe to include in a book for newlyweds. I decided to offer a recipe below, enjoy:
Recipe For a Long, Happy, Passionate Marriage
- Constant Infusions of loving kindness
- Heaps of forgiveness
- Marinate in passion, foreplay happens all day…..i.e an I miss you phone call
- Inject unlimited amounts of laughter often
- Daily compromise, but only when it comes from both sides
- Immerse in fairness and equality even in differences
- Dashes of support from those who love you almost as much as your spouse
- Occasional, “How are we doing as a couple discussions. Know your partners needs as intimately as your own. Update frequently as they change over the years.
- Permeate with Resilience
- Be creative in keeping your loved one’s eyes on you